When I was growing up I encountered church too many times to count. When I was about 2 years old, I was screamed and cried in the toddler's class until my mom came to get me. We never went back to that church again.
From the ages of about eight and nine, I went to church with two friends who lived in my neighborhood. One was a Baptist, the other an Assembly of God.. I was intrigued by the Bible stories and learning about Noah and the Ark or how nice of a guy Jesus was. I knew from that part in my life there was a God, but I didn't know what that really meant.
When those friends moved away, I became good friends with a girl a few blocks from my house. She was fun to be around, but there were times I would come home crying over the things she said to me. I remember one day putting a clothes pin on my nose to attempt to make it smaller because she kept telling me my nose was too big. Another issue was my weight, so I tried eating less. It was an unhealthy relationship of any means, but from my experience, that's what a lot of girls did to each other. In middle school, girls were mean to their friends the same way. I can remember girls gossiping about someone ten feet away. I could also remember them making fun of other people's outfits and what they did that made them appear different, and sometimes even face to face insults. I was one of them. I think everyone is at one point. Bottom line, girls can be cruel. Because of that, my attitude changed towards people. Because people said cruel things to me, it was easier for me to say cruel things to others. I started to lose sight of what was right and what was wrong, as long as it helped me look better. If it made me look like I was funny, I would make a joke at someone's expense. If I was able to talk to the girls I wanted to hang out with, I was going to gossip. I was living just to survive in a social latter, which was pathetic and ultimately self destructive. By my Freshmen year, I stopped hanging out with my friend, or anyone, altogether. I isolated myself in my room after school and I began down a path of self destruction.
I can remember self mutilating in sixth grade. I was about twelve years old. I took scissors from my room and started to scratch myself up and down my arm. I even thought about killing myself for the first time. It was just one bad day at school! But from everything going on with my friendships to some things going on at home, the only pain that felt right was one that I had control over. I did various things to hurt myself from sixth grade through my Freshmen year in high school, and I will say probably anytime someone does it, it really does bring relief like an aspirin to a headache... I also picked up routines in my day that you can set a watch to. If I didn't accomplish my routine, or tasks, I had, I literally felt like the world was going to crumble in. Imagine Howard Hughes in the movie "The Aviator." That was the essence of me. I had nothing but these routines. They were like a drug. They numbed any fears I had. If I couldn't complete them, I felt like I could die...
I don't know what compelled me, but ever since going to church at nine years of age, I was interested in knowing about God. In the summer 2005, after my Freshmen year, I started to read the Bible. I found it in a desk drawer in our kitchen, a mini Gideon one that had a glossary to guide you through the Bible. At that time, I was full anxiety for everything going on around me. So I looked up the word "worry" and found Matthew 6:19-34. Pretty much the words I heard were "God is in control. Do not worry." Reading it everyday, I began to understand my offense against God. The God I knew about since I was nine years old. Once I understood my need for Christ I accepted Christ as my Savior. I stopped hurting myself. I opened up to my family once again. I continued to read the Bible everyday, and I started going to church about month later. I did all this from having given my life to him.
I don't know if I would be alive today if it wasn't for my faith in Christ. I could have seen a counselor, but who would I be today character-wise? I regret a lot because it was hurtful to everyone in my world. My mom, dad, sister, friends, classmates, and myself. I lived on my own terms and own ways. Giving my life to Christ I have become a new creation. I still worry, but never like it was before. I still get depressed, but never to the point of self mutilating or not trying to ignore God. From my experience, I have learned to always turn to God for whenever I feel out of his will. I know the worst side of myself, and I never want to go back. Revelations 2:4 talks about our first love, and that is who Christ is to me now. My first love. That period in my life when I was saved and thrilled to be living for him I reflect on every time I feel low. I remember the love and passion I had for him. The thankfulness I felt in my heart for my new life, far from death. I also remember his grace and how it shines through my weakness. This is why I write, and why I like to talk about my faith. It is the definition of my life. The clay that molds it. Christ is the hope I hold onto today.
Now that I have shared my story, I hope one of two things. You are encouraged to share your story . Another is anyone who maybe struggling with similar things will be willing to look to Christ for the answers. In the last seven years of having a relationship with Christ, I have yet to be disappointed. He will not let you down. Go to him, talk to him, pour out your heart. He wants every ounce of you to be offered to him. That is why we are to love him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Let Jesus Christ rule your heart today. He will not let you down.
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