What I Know From The Past Two Years

Three years ago, I was a writing fanatic who had inspiration coming out of the wazoo and every moment to breath I wrote. I wrote about my spiritual highs and spiritual lows. The past, present, and future. I went to college and had even more to write about, up until I came back to my hometown and I was left feeling restless and unsettled. I was at a loss for words. I had no inspiration let alone passion or desire as I did for God. Ironically coming from a Bible college, that was what was suppose to get me pumped and ready to go as a Christian, but things didn’t settle well in my stomach when I came back and saw that life in the real world had changed, as well as me fitting my puzzle piece into the place I used to fit.

No longer did I want to call myself a Christian as much as try to blend into the crowd. I still called myself one, but I wasn't proud. I didn’t like some of the Christians I had seen in the last few years, besides college. From news reports to my own life, I saw hostile people hiding behind a religion that many outsiders of Christianity would claim that is all Christianity is about. Hiding behind a religion. I think some people like to call themselves Christian and practice it out because of the cozy comfort of what it did for them growing up. The memories of Bible camp come rolling in, as well as the one thing that might have held their family together. Go to church Sunday, or whatever day their church had their doors opened for worship and it becomes a norm in life to follow after, but not a choice of will.

If there is one thing that woke me up in the middle of the night coming back from college in tears, panic, and night sweats it was the horrible ugly part of Christianity. The part that I had a glimpse of in college and people in the news. The kind where accountability is judgment and their way better be my way or else I’m being inappropriate, ignorant, idiotic, unholy, unrighteous, or just flat out sinful. I was the person some Christians judged. I’m not saying there was anyone at my college who was judging me, but more of the people looking in. The direction my college was going towards at the time meant drastic change and drastic measures in small amount of time. All of a sudden we were able to wear jeans to class, skip up to three days in a semester of chapel, and discuss having drums in our worship performances. No more excuses that seemed legitimate for why girls had to wear skirts down to their knees or why couples could not hold hands. Hell hadn’t frozen over. It was the gospel of Christ that was still being lived out.

The gospel, or the story behind Christian beliefs, is not meant to be restrictive. It’s meant to transform our desires to be good. As long as a person is while heartedly invested in a relationship with Jesus Christ, they are promised that they will have their desires molded, shaped, and meant by God himself (Luke 10:27; Romans 8:2; Matthew 6:33; Psalm 37:4). Let me mention that last part again. Our desires will be meant by God himself. If you want to battle that the Christian life is crippling or boring, leaving you home on Friday nights watching Dateline in your ankle skirts and eating popcorn because everything in this world can lead into a temptation or sin, then okay. Be safe. And be careful not to sin.

However, after one year at a Bible college where I came back feeling more cynical and less of who I was before, I learned two valuable lessons.

1. Who I am today is not any different from who I was three years ago. It’s only from those three years I learned more about what was inside me.

Sure if you have a bad experience from the past it will mold your future, but it doesn’t have to be the say all in who you become and what you will become. I’m not expert on how to live your life, but I believe that God is sovereign, meaning he allows doors to be opened that he wants opened and doors to be shut to be shut whenever they come up in our lives. I was 22. I strongly believed this one bible school I was the place to be up until I got a Bachelor’s… and it was the place to be at the time. Don’t let my bitter words in the past fool you. God was sovereign over the whole year I was there, but it didn’t mean I was going to go there as many college students did, which is graduating. And that’s a hard truth to accept. College debt, as well as going back to my Plan A for after high school tells me I took a detour in life to get where I want to be. It’s depressed me. It’s sadden me. Because I know I did it all in the name of pleasing others at the time and not going with my gut instinct from the beginning. And that’s okay. Because I know I wouldn’t be who I am today and God knew this, which is how he gives proof that he is sovereign. Thinking about this, I think of how I could have done much worse of things to please others around me than go to a Bible college. But let’s not go there right now…

2. To believe in Jesus Christ is simply enough to be right with God.

I’ll admit. I have doubted God. I doubted him when I came back from college and wasn’t gun ho for him anymore. I was burnt out. Going to chapel every week day exhausted me. Trying to have found time with Him and Him alone was hard in college. Because it was so fast paced and tempting to be around people whenever possible. And most often times, the people I was with disappointed me. Sometimes used me. And these were Christian people. Yet I knew in my heart that this did not illustrate Jesus Christ at all. The Jesus I first came to know was based off of Scriptures I read when I was home alone and searching for answers from a hard time in my life. That is not to say that the school I went to did not teach who the right Jesus was. I’m simply saying I couldn’t catch on as much I did outside the classroom and chapel hours and living my life at and away from the college.

Coming back into town was the hardest thing. I felt somewhat shameful, discouraged, and peeved that I worked so hard to try to please others in my spiritual walk by going to the Christian college. Today I am back to Plan A. The one I had back in high school. That is not to say I wasn’t meant to be at the college. Heck no! I was meant to be there at the time. I was meant to learn and grow, whether it was classroom lectures about the Word or bitterness that was revealed in my heart over the time I was there. I found out more about myself in such a small amount of time than I ever had before. I thought I was the saint, but I really wasn’t. I was just as cruel as some Christians can be, but in an internal sort of way. I could have shrugged off my Christian beliefs easily when I came back into town bitter, but I wanted to see much more of what God had because I knew a few lousy Christians could not determine my spiritual outlook.

Bottom line is this: I now know why some former Christians wake up in the middle of the night crying over the past of abuse from the church. I know because I was there. Anxiety plagues them. Fear grips them and I didn’t even have it as bad as they have.

It’s the feeling of something not being right. The feeling of wanting to be free from restrictions, customs, and labels of everything holy and unholy. It is the reality of seeing God. The same reality of believing we can conquer evil spirits if we recite Scripture and call on Jesus’ name. It’s the power of Christ that stands for those who call on him. It is the hope found when all hell is breaking loose in the world. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ that saves us from regret and bitterness and even fear. Fear that has gripped us from the past hurts and words that dared to define our holiness before God. It is the relationship with Jesus Christ that matters alone. It is not someone to grade on their spiritual scale, but for someone to recognize strengths and weaknesses and could help to correct us. Not stand on the sidelines and judge us, but to come along side us in love and mercy and teach us how to live our Christian lives.

That’s the gospel truth. The truth of Jesus Christ who loved us and gave himself for us so we may have unblemished souls. That’s the love that covers all sin. And the love that remains at the end. We need more of that in the Christian world.

I’m living a new chapter in life away from the school. I’m not going to big talk it like I have before, but I do know I’m not following after set goals for myself because someone would be disappointed if I didn’t follow after them nor do I feel like they are the last ones I will ever do. I am simply doing something I enjoy and hope to do for the next few years. All for my love of Christ.