My Name Is __________, But You Can Call Me Shame

I can't quite remember how young I was when I first started attending church.  Probably 4 or 5.  I remember 3 things very distinctly.  (1) My Sunday School teacher telling the whole class on Easter Sunday that the Easter Bunny wasn't real. That was something the devil wanted us to believe.  (2) My Sunday School teacher telling the whole class that Santa wasn't real.  That was something the devil wanted us to believe.  (3) The fear I had of whether or not I would be good enough in God's eyes.  One and two caused quite a few tears, but those tears only lasted a short time.  The fear, however, carried over into my teen years, but at some point, I decided it just wasn't worth it.  My life became all about me.  What would I do to make ME happy?  What would I do to glorify MYSELF? I became a person of self-loathing, self-destruction, and someone filled with darkness and hatred.  I loved my friends, hated my family.  I loved partying, hated school.  I loved boys, hated myself.  Little did I know the path I was on would lead to worse things down the road.  I never did any hard-core drugs, although I did smoke pot quite a bit.  I drank a lot...dangerous amounts really.  I remember points where I would get so depressed I would cut myself...I would use whatever was close to me at the time; a nail file, a knife, scissors.  Why was I so depressed?  There was nothing wrong with me really.  I just felt so sorry for myself when things didn't go my way.  I shunned my family, the only one's who truly cared about me, for people who used me for anything they could get from me.  I moved out of my parents house when I was 16.  I worked, went to school, did what I wanted.  Stayed with friends sometimes, or slept in cars or on the street.  I thought I was living the dream.  After graduation, I grew tired.  I started letting my family into my life a little more, but never gave God a second thought.  I moved around, quit smoking pot, but switched to cigarettes and continued drinking.  I could never quite find that place where I felt like I fit.  My low self-esteem was getting the best of me.  I met a man, 12 years my senior, who promised me a life of dreams come true, a life of salvation, and a life of security.  I was stupid, but so desperate that I believed his lies.  This turned into the marriage that I longed to hate.  Beatings started almost immediately, and grew through the years, increasing in number and severity.  Other women were in his life.  I can't count the number of women I saw him with.  He proclaimed that he was God. But, what did I know?  I did not know God anymore.  And I believed that everything I was witnessing and everything I was enduring was punishment for the poor choices I had made.  I didn't leave, I didn't stop him, I didn't turn him in, I rarely cried.  Why?  Because I was ashamed, and I was undeserving of anyone's help.  I can't remember exactly what it was that finally hit me one day, but I cried for hours, and I asked for God's help, finally, after all those years.  My dead heart filled with such peace and love.  I felt re-born.  I felt a strength I had never had before.  I left my husband shortly after.  I reconnected with my family that I had shut out for so long.  I felt God's love, God did have a place for me, and I was one of God's children.  I turned my back on him, but the second I needed him, he was still there, waiting to carry one of his children out of the destructive life they had been living into one that would soon start to glorify Him.  I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, I welcomed God into my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul.  I started making decisions based on Him, not on ME.  And a true, overwhelming peace came from that.  A life that is lived for you alone is so empty and shallow.  It breeds hatred and allows Satan to overtake you.  But a life that is lived for God is full of reward, full of peace, full of love, full of happiness. I love God, with everything I am, everything I have, and everything I live.  And I am truly blessed.   I don't even know the person I once was anymore.  The person I am with God is a person of faith, a person of compassion, and a person of love.  God has transformed me, and now uses me for His will.  I hope, as I progress in my faith and in my understanding of God's will, that people see Christ in me, and that I can help those in need, those who are lost as I once was.  For this life is a life lived for God.

Colossians 1:20-22 

"...and by Him to reconcile all things to Himself, by Him, whether things on earth or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His cross. And you, who once were alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now He has reconciled ²² in the body of His flesh through death, to present you holy, and blameless, and above reproach in His sight"

Acts 3:19

Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord